When I'm alone, I google for myself

She gets up to yet another Sunday. Every day as it passes by; seems like a Sunday with not much work to do. She wonders about ways to kill time. Its not very difficult to stay her quiet self; coz since the time she gained consciousness, she has always preferred staying quiet. Though when she is in company of like-minded people, there’s just no stopping her.. But then such people have been very few. There have been many such days of solitude. Solitude for her seemed to be a refined word for loneliness. Yet these days, things have been much different, to her own surprise.. coz nowadays when she’s alone, she googles- for herself, for some answers, for the future.. coz nowadays, she is liking the solitude..

She feels like being much closer to herself. She talks to her conscience. She is trying to understand the anatomy of the abstract. Relationships especially. feelings, emotions, thoughts as well; & Life.. Every human being is a mystery it seems. She likes to have a peep into people’s minds. & she wonders what would happen if she could read the mind of some people around her.

Even though seemingly ambitious & futuristic she might sound, she still lives partially in her past. Every day, she starts with a fresh attempt to get over it. Movies, music are like caffeine; but even a slightest emotion expressed in these forms of art, which she can identify with, makes her cry bitterly. Maybe that’s because she doesn’t express herself so much these days.

Mundane details have always irked her. Yet she ponders over the minutest thought spent over her decisions. She feels scared to take the next step as her plans have mostly gone haywire. Randomness in mind increases to such an extent that she then tries to create a vacuum. That’s not possible.. as of now at least. Because ironically, vacuum generally comes in her mind, when it shoudnt. She then tries to get herself busy in the chores & errands. These days, she has kinda mastered the art of hiding herself behind the mask of ‘being normal’. Though somewhere, she knows, something is wrong.

These days, she is into so much habit of being alone, that amidst familiar people also, a part of her mind wants to be alone; to wander & wonder.

Thoughts keep coming. Randomly. A Sunday ends.
Tomorrow is a new day. Another day to be alone, to google.